Going backwards

     Going backwards. Two words, infinite meaning.

     In the context I am going to write in, it refers to past loved ones, significant others etc…

     I actually do still speak to some of my ex-significant others. It is an often undefined relationship you have with people like that. The relationship itself undergoes several changes over time. A typical chronology would go something like this maybe: friend, lover, nemesis, frenemy, non-existent, maybe friend or lover again….you never really know.

     For me, the relationships are always singularily different between individual people. No matter what kind of relationship it is. I have casual friendships with exs. That is just how it has evolved for the most part with all of them. I have peered into some of their lives from a completely objective spectator’s eyes. I have seen one through a phase I term “the tramp phase”, a bad marriage and now locked into a relationship of convenience. There is another I have watched walk into an abusive marriage, escape and fall into an equally unsatisfying marriage of convenience. I have even watched one sprout wings and soar as far as her strength and determination can take her.

     I have maintained this contact with them in a strictly casual basis. These women that I do still have this contact with have all, approached me at various times about re-establishing an escalated relationship.

     Entertaining as the idea might sound. It is nothing I have ever considered or accepted as possible. Now, I have heard these stories of people splitting up, then reconnecting years later or whatever, getting married and living this great life together into eternal bliss. Maybe it is possible, I wouldn’t know. So why would I not be open to this do you ask? There are several reasons, however, the most relevant for me is “the learning” process. I dedicated my time and part of my life to this person. I know this person. I have learned from our failed experience. There might be many things I might have learned or maybe just a few. Doesn’t matter. I have learned something.

     At that point, when the decision has been made to no longer invest into that person and vice versa. I have learned all I need to learn from you. It is time to learn a new trick, if you will. Someone better to challenge me. New experiences; new perspectives.

     Am I wrong in my assumption that it is best to leave well enough alone and close those possibilities? Maybe. Will I be open to one in the future? Maybe.

     I had this conversation with my current ex. I explained to her that I have no idea what the future will hold, I can only reference my track record and to date, there has been no going backwards. Circumstances change all the time. People do as well. I know I have changed immeasurably.

     At the current point in time of the chronology of relationship, me and this woman are undefined. She has a bf now, she has ample resentment towards me and she has made a few bad decisions, few mistakes.. She is only now starting to think about what is going on in her life and she is having problems processing it. Conflicted. Her anger and resentment is starting to subside, but she has put herself in a tough position with this new “bf”. She never considered the consequences of her actions, she just did it because it, “made her feel good” and she’s “having a good time”.

     The good time girl, she never lasts long and I don’t know many men that actively want to invest more than a few drinks and a backseat into her. So this woman is of torn feelings toward me at this point in time. She wears the brave face very well, but she lets it slip sometimes with lil tid bits like, “I miss you” and “I can’t help myself sometimes”. She has even related her belief that we will be together again in the future. Granted sometimes, it is yes sometimes it is no, most times it’s an I don’t know. I have already drawn the line and put the detachment in place. I keep it friendly and casual. This one has been harder to do that for, but it is done now.

     So, now I am of the opinion that she is going to become another brief bio of girlfriends past. She is very not happy about that, but she has come to realize that her expectations no longer hold value. So what happens in the future? Going backwards? Always an entertaining idea.

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