Posts tagged ‘personal’

July 18, 2011

Going backwards

     Going backwards. Two words, infinite meaning.

     In the context I am going to write in, it refers to past loved ones, significant others etc…

     I actually do still speak to some of my ex-significant others. It is an often undefined relationship you have with people like that. The relationship itself undergoes several changes over time. A typical chronology would go something like this maybe: friend, lover, nemesis, frenemy, non-existent, maybe friend or lover again….you never really know.

     For me, the relationships are always singularily different between individual people. No matter what kind of relationship it is. I have casual friendships with exs. That is just how it has evolved for the most part with all of them. I have peered into some of their lives from a completely objective spectator’s eyes. I have seen one through a phase I term “the tramp phase”, a bad marriage and now locked into a relationship of convenience. There is another I have watched walk into an abusive marriage, escape and fall into an equally unsatisfying marriage of convenience. I have even watched one sprout wings and soar as far as her strength and determination can take her.

     I have maintained this contact with them in a strictly casual basis. These women that I do still have this contact with have all, approached me at various times about re-establishing an escalated relationship.

     Entertaining as the idea might sound. It is nothing I have ever considered or accepted as possible. Now, I have heard these stories of people splitting up, then reconnecting years later or whatever, getting married and living this great life together into eternal bliss. Maybe it is possible, I wouldn’t know. So why would I not be open to this do you ask? There are several reasons, however, the most relevant for me is “the learning” process. I dedicated my time and part of my life to this person. I know this person. I have learned from our failed experience. There might be many things I might have learned or maybe just a few. Doesn’t matter. I have learned something.

     At that point, when the decision has been made to no longer invest into that person and vice versa. I have learned all I need to learn from you. It is time to learn a new trick, if you will. Someone better to challenge me. New experiences; new perspectives.

     Am I wrong in my assumption that it is best to leave well enough alone and close those possibilities? Maybe. Will I be open to one in the future? Maybe.

     I had this conversation with my current ex. I explained to her that I have no idea what the future will hold, I can only reference my track record and to date, there has been no going backwards. Circumstances change all the time. People do as well. I know I have changed immeasurably.

     At the current point in time of the chronology of relationship, me and this woman are undefined. She has a bf now, she has ample resentment towards me and she has made a few bad decisions, few mistakes.. She is only now starting to think about what is going on in her life and she is having problems processing it. Conflicted. Her anger and resentment is starting to subside, but she has put herself in a tough position with this new “bf”. She never considered the consequences of her actions, she just did it because it, “made her feel good” and she’s “having a good time”.

     The good time girl, she never lasts long and I don’t know many men that actively want to invest more than a few drinks and a backseat into her. So this woman is of torn feelings toward me at this point in time. She wears the brave face very well, but she lets it slip sometimes with lil tid bits like, “I miss you” and “I can’t help myself sometimes”. She has even related her belief that we will be together again in the future. Granted sometimes, it is yes sometimes it is no, most times it’s an I don’t know. I have already drawn the line and put the detachment in place. I keep it friendly and casual. This one has been harder to do that for, but it is done now.

     So, now I am of the opinion that she is going to become another brief bio of girlfriends past. She is very not happy about that, but she has come to realize that her expectations no longer hold value. So what happens in the future? Going backwards? Always an entertaining idea.

July 15, 2011

Things I have learned recently about relationships.

     So I have recently exited a very rocky relationship. So I am at a strange time in my life right now. According to my ex, I am like a “rock bottom” loser that needs to get his shit together…So, for a long while I was actually buying it. I had determined to become this “type-model” this woman desires so much. This is an astounding example of  falling into the traps of social expectations. We sort of even touched on this topic…her logic was this, “It’s not social expectations, it’s my personal expectations for you!.”

     Did I miss something? This woman’s personal expectations are the same social expectations that most women possess. Women do indeed focus on the materialistic and she is a prime example of this. Cars, houses, stupendous paychecks, toys, trinkets etc…I have had all of that and will again. That is dust in the wind…Easily obtainable.

     Anyway, back on topic. I had been determined to better myself for this woman. Important -> This woman, dumped me under the pretense of “needing a break” and in three weeks was already sacked up with her new bf. I was bummed and distraught. I had tried to talk to her about all of this and she is no longer listening, thinking or trying to understand.

     I am now in full realization of myself now. I am working on bettering myself for myself. I will have the best of me again and while I have been putting things back into place, people have been noticing it. The material things, they will come in time, but I am referring to the things that make me who I am. I have had a few comments to the extent of, “You haven’t been the best of you in several years” or “The real you would never have done that or settled on this”. Things like that; really hit home sometimes.

     So, my perspective is changed? check, living for me? check, have direction? check, ready? check.

     This is a unique position for anyone to find themselves in. Reflection, introspection, whatever you want to call it. Several new doors have opened to me. New circumstances are always a step around the corner.

      I am ok with me now, that is the upside. The downside is more complex. I have elected to put my focus entirely on myself now. With this new found outlook, it has brought a few doors that I hadn’t really considered stepping through. I have become a desirable guy. The comical part of this is, I am at rock bottom; yet garnishing female attention and quite frequently as of late. I have made a few connections and been out on a few dates, but, I know I am not in it. I cannot allow myself to get lost in the mess of someone else while I am focusing on my own mess. I would say there are maybe a two or three women I would actually consider this alternative with and well, right now, that isn’t an option.

     I am a playboy by no means. I am really that monogomous kind of fellow, but I am working towards being the best of me right now and find I am just not interested in the insufferably bad concepts that these women have concerning love and relationships. Emotionally, yes, I am ready for a real relationship, so long as it is a healthy one. Mentally, I have become considerably more clear on my own life, but I am not willing to settle for the bs that women walk around projecting on men anymore.

     Remember previously in this post about the ex and her “expectations for me”?, well I told her point blank, I am not going to meet your expectations ever. I will meet my own expectations and I will be quite alright with them. Now here is the irony in this whole scenario. At some point I will truly meet her expectations, be back on my own two feet again, so to speak. At this point(should we still be communicating), there is the potential for a big reality check and maybe even a personal crash. I will have fulfilled her “expectations”, hence falling into her “role-type”. The thing she isn’t really considering and this is a big issue for women; she isn’t considering me in any of her deliberations.

     Women don’t consider men. This woman hasn’t considered my opinions, thoughts or the impact her decisions make on me at all. Now, maybe that is because of our history and our relationship or maybe she does just fall into the typical female psyche. I don’t know, but that is beyond my control and not relevant right now. So what happens when I accomplish my goals? I am that “role-type”? I wanted you to be there, but you decided you didn’t want to be. Will I want to share the rewards of my hard work and efforts with someone who didn’t want to be there when I wanted them to be?, needed them to be?…….

     Expectations destroy more relationships than facebook. There is only one true expectation that should be understood and observed in a relationship of substance and this is it: We work together for each other.

     That’s really it. It is really just that simple. No big mystery, no complex set of rules and regulations, nothing of a miraculous nature.

     Identify, qualify and simplify. It is that easy. If you can do that, you can do all the other things that are needed: communication, relation, realization, understanding and resolution.